The Avatar's Hit List
by kaibasgirlx
Summary: It was going to happen at some point or another. The Avatar had finally snapped.
1. Chapter 1

A/N:

_It's 6:30 am by me and I can't sleep because of an event that happened to me six hours earlier. And since I can't sleep, and am stressing out like no tomorrow, I decided to write this as a way to relieve my anger about my situation and my frustration at being able to do nothing about it. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. This contains ridiculous amounts of OOCness, improbable situations, and nonsensical nonsense. I am not responsible for any liabilities this may cause._

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><p><strong><span>The Avatar's Hit List<span>**

Aang had had it. This was it. No more Mr. Nice Avatar. Oh no, now, he was going to do a complete Jekyll and Hide, and turn his whole peace-loving, tree-hugging attitude around 360. Yes, today was the day.

Aang had been waiting for this opportunity, the day when he could finally cut loose of all his restraints and finally say and do what he wanted. And boy was he going to do that! He was going to start with Roku. Yes, Roku. The old fart who left him with a plate full of problems to have to deal with, while the geezer spent most of his life in soirees and having a blast. Oh, sure, his best friend stabbed him in the back at the end of his life and ended up killing him, sort of, but Aang didn't even HAVE the chance of letting one of his friends betray him! He was saving the world by the freaking age of 12!

Yes, Roku was definitely going to pay for this. All the old man could do was curl up into a pathetic ball and die! The coward! Why didn't he just finish Sozin off when he had the chance? That would have saved Aang _so _much trouble. But no, Roku was just too darn sentimental to castrate the man. At least then there would have been no one left to carry on Sozin's work! But no matter, Aang was going to exact his revenge on the blasted old man.

First, he would dig up his grave. Yes, he knew Roku was dead, but then, Aang also knew that spirits feel pain when their mortal bodies are tormented. So, he was going to dig him up. Then, assuming the decaying process had worked and all that was left were his skeleton, he was going to crush every single one of his bones. Then he was going to grind them between two huge rocks like a millstone, and turn his bones into fine powder. And then he was going to take his finely-crushed Roku bones and bake it into bread. And then he was going to take his dead Roku bones bread, and feed it to his descendents. And then he was going to tell his descendents that they just ate their dead grand-pappy's bones, and he was going to laugh at their horrified expressions. And then Aang was going to use blood bending to make them throw up the dead Roku bones bread, and step on it for good measure. And then he was going to force-feed it to Sokka. Yes. That was a good revenge plan.

And after he was done with that, Aang was going to take his revenge on the next person on his list: Zuko.

Oh yes, Zuko . Zuko, Zuko, Zuko. The gd-darned prince of melodrama. The Lindsay Lohan in disguise. Oh, Aang was going to make Zuko pay.

After all, the Prince of Aangst had made his life a living hell more than enough times! Hell, their whole meeting read like some estranged love story! And then there was that whole Blue Spirit thing, or more like the Blue Homo, the way he kept stalking after him! For gd's sake, the only thing that was missing was an "I'll save you from those pirates"-esque line to make fandom seal their relationship as a "don't talk don't tell" situation. Didn't Iroh ever wonder where the hell his nephew kept disappearing to at night? ?

Or maybe he just really didn't want to know.

And then, after 2 seasons of chasing him all over the world, he finds him shacked up with his girlfriend in the Earth Kingdoms basement! Oh, sure, "nothing happened", but Aang wasn't stupid. He saw the way Emokins was looking at his hushpuppies.

Then, just when he finally thought he'd shaken off the next John Hinckley, he shows up again, out of nowhere! And all he has to show for it is a "Hi, Zuko here".

Aang didn't blame Katara for wanting to murder Zuko. Actually, the only reason he held her back was because HE wanted to be the one to do it. But, of course, the 'forgive and forget' crap had to do instead.

But now, NOW, now he was going to carve Zuko's flesh. Maybe he would borrow Mai's knives since he didn't own any himself. Then, once he was done carving his insignia on the fire prince, he was going to force-feed him sea prunes. YES! He was going to force Zuko to eat those horrible, vile, wretched sea prunes, and watch as his face turned white, then red, then purple, then green! And then Zuko will throw up, and he'll watch him change colors as he does so! And then, he'll video tape the whole thing and put it on YouTube! He'll call him the new poster boy for the Rainbow Society. Oh yesssss….!

So that would be Roku and Zuko whom he'll have exacted his revenge on. The next person on his list was Sokka.

Yes, Sokka. If there was anyone who deserved Aang's ire more it was Sokka. The non-bender. The one who always makes fun of their abilities. Him and his Kabuki-girl. They both got on his nerves. Both of them were insufferable for their idiosyncrasies. And Sokka had always, somehow, managed to finish all the food on their journeys! His stomach was endless! Aang suspected that he could probably stuff all of his past lives down his throat, and there would still be enough room in there for dessert! He envisioned this for a moment, stuffing all of his past lives down Sokka's throat. That could actually be a fun past time. In fact, in addition to all of his past lives, he'd be generous enough to throw Koh in as well. Yes, if there was any dark, bottomless pit of misery and despair that Koh deserved to dwell in more, it was Sokka's stomach.

After Sokka, there was Katara.

Well, Aang was head over heels in love, and there was nothing he wanted to do more than knock Katara up full of millions of babies so he could finally restore the Airbending population, but after that, there was little more he needed her for than being his baby machine.

Okay, so maybe that was unfair, she had her strengths, but _gd_, she could be so _annoying_! "Sugar Queen" was an _understatement_! She was always getting into his business! Why couldn't she just leave him and everyone else alone? But no, it was always "Aang this" or "Aang that" or

"Are you okay Aang?" or

"Here Aang, let me heal you" or

"Let's do this Aang" or

"Don't worry about it Aang" or

"Take me now, Aang!"

Okay, so wait, maybe that last one hadn't happened yet. But it will! Before he kills her off, that is. After she finishes producing his millions of Airbending babies.

Come to think of it though, after he finally got rid of the annoying twit, who will he have to raise his children?

This was a problem he hadn't thought of yet. After all, he was going to have a bunch of flying monstrosities that would need a firm hand and be disciplined so that they can one day help him take over the world. And there was no way in hell that he would be changing diapers or making bottles!

He would probably get servants to do that. But still, all kids needed a mother. Just because he was becoming a cold, heartless SOB didn't mean that he didn't know the pain of not having any parents.

Aang thought hard about this. He thought, and thought, until the inspiration hit him like a bolt of lightning, just as one shot across the sky.

"Of course! Azula will be the mother to my kids!"

The more he thought about it, the more he finally realized that, all along, he had really been in love with Azula, and that Katara was just a mere cover up for the Fire Princess.

"Oh Azula, my one true love, my forever girl, my soulmate! Wait for me! In ten years I'll come for you!"

As if to demonstrate his new undying love for the psychotic sociopath who killed him, Aang shot lightning shaped hearts into the sky, tears of joy rolling down his young face as he finally found the answer and meaning to life itself: Azula.

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><p>"Does Aang seem a little weird to you?" Katara said, as she glanced away from the window, where Aang was busy lightning-bending at the clear morning sky.<p>

"He seems fine to me," Sokka replied, as he flipped through the magazine he was looking at.

"Actually, he did look a little funny after he went into the kitchen for a drink," Suki remarked.

Toph sat up straighter on the floor. "A drink?" She repeated.

Sokka froze, as he heard Toph's question.

"Yeah," Suki responded. "He took a glass of whatever was in the blue pitcher, and then he went outside, muttering something about revenge under his breath."

Sokka met Toph's gaze before throwing down his magazine, and running into the kitchen.

"**C R A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A P ! ! !**"

_End._

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><p><em>AN:_

_Okay, I feel a lot better now. Even if I am helpless about my situation, writing about other people suffering somehow makes me feel empowered._

_Also, I'm aware that I haven't been responding to reviews/pms lately. I'm really sorry about that, but it's because I'm extremely busy these days, not to mention I've only managed to get on a computer for very short amounts of time and thus was not able to properly respond. But I will get to them, hopefully later this week._

_Um, if you _honestly _read this, could you leave a review? It would cheer me up._


	2. Chapter 2

a/n: I needed another avatar hit list moment. I apologize in advance for this stupidity, but please realize that it's stupid people in my life who are making me use this as my outlet.

Aang was a man on a mission. Yes, man. Nevermind that he was a twelve year old prepubescent boy, but right now, for all intents and purposes, he was a man. On a mission. Yes. To find his wife Azula, because he was going to repopulate the airbenders with the most 2nd powerful person in the world, and there wasn't a darn thing anyone could do about it!

Wait, Aang stopped in his tracks. 2nd most powerful? Was that right? Hold on. Wasn't Ozai the 2nd most powerful man on earth, right after him? After all, fire was one of the strongest elements, and on Day of Black Sun, didn't he become a super-charged energizer bunny that he had to use a freaking deux ex machina in order to defeat him?

Aang let out a gasp. No, no no no no no! He was in love with Katara, wasn't he? She was his one true love! He couldn't possibly be falling for…no, he couldn't think about it! He couldn't possibly be…

He lifted his eyes to the skies in horror as he screamed what no one else in their wildest imagination could think:

"OH MY GD! I'M GAY!"

GAY!

_GAY_

**GAY!**

"You don't have to announce it to the _world_, geeze!" A grumpy old man pushing his peddler's cart yelled distastefully at the young boy.

Now normally Aang would have ignored this old one-dimensional unimportant character. But the sudden revelation that he'd been lusting after a girl whom he was using as an excuse to cover up his true feelings for the fine DILF that was Pheonix King Ozai…now that was something that would make him snap any day, never mind that he'd already snapped that morning.

"What do you know, you old fart!" The avatar rounded on him, eyes blazing. "I just spent an entire year of my life trying to catch the attention of a girl who thinks of herself as my mother when all along I really wanted her not-boyfriend's father!"

"Oh yeah? Well I've got a neutered cat that just had sextuplets! Go figure, the world is screwed! You only waking up and realizing this now, son?"

"Aaarrrgghhhh! My entire life is over! Not only am I not attracted to the most beautiful girl in the world, I'm attracted to the most evil megalomaniac that ever walked this planet! I'm in love with the man who basically ordered genocide against my people! I'm…I'm…"

Aang's eyes went round in horror.

"…I'm never going to be able to repopulate the Airbenders."

The old man clucked his tongue. He pulled something out of his cart and handed it to the not-yet-teen.

"Here boy, you're gonna need this more than me."

"Uhh…thanks…" Aang looked down and saw that he'd been given a book. "Fifty Shades of Grey?! What the hell am I going to need this for?"

"It's got some interesting ideas for guy-guy relationships. If you're ever interested in tryin' 'em out, I come here every mornin' at the same hour."

The old man gave him a wink before walking off, pushing his cart.

The book dropped from the Avatar's hands.

It landed in a puddle on the ground.

_ew._

A moment later he set it on fire.

Never had he felt so violated before in his entire life.

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><p>an:

I really, really apologize. This was meant to be funny, but of course, my sense of humor tends to be on the twist d side. Well, review if you feel like it. Today's my birthday, just so you know. A review would make me feel really good, even if it's just to tell me what a crappy fic this is and how I've wasted five minutes of your life...


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I'm very aggravated right now. Hence why I wrote this. Be warned, more stupidity ahead.

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><p>Aang was done. He was just so done with everything. Life, being the first Avatar that might actually be gay, lusting after a psychopathic despot that nearly succeeded in taking over the world, trying to figure out how the hell he was going to repopulate the Airbending race when he wanted number two, not number…Aang paused for a moment, trying to think of what it would be called. Number one point five? Yeah, that would have to do. Not wanting number one point five, and being 12 years old. He was really done with being 12 years old.<p>

"What is my life?" The agitated tween cried desperately, looking up towards the sky. As he did so dark clouds rolled in and a downpour conveniently began. As he walked through the muddy streets, feeling like his entire world was ending, a carriage passed through a huge puddle and splashed him with water.

"Hey! You son of a—" forgoing swearwords Aang just set the carriage on fire. He smiled in satisfaction at the blood-curdling screams of pain. "There! Now you know how I feel!"

He wandered aimlessly around the town, as violin music played in the background. Just as he felt like he was going to collapse from the weight of the entire future on his shoulders, a figure appeared before him, surrounded by a hazy blue glow and speaking his voice in ethereal tones.

"Aang."

The Avatar squinted up at the figure. "Who are you? And why are you glowing like that? Am I high?"

The figure laughed. "Oh, you might be high, I wouldn't know. I'm here because you called me here."

"Huh?"

"When you reach your lowest point, that's when you are open to the greatest possibilities."

Now, Aang was all for meta and pseudo-profound words of wisdom. But with a mid-life crises at the helm, the last thing he needed was to listen to some cheesy words of inspiration that sounded like they were written in order to justify overcompensating a character that did nothing to earn said reward and only served to further derail them in a season that had already derailed any type of consequence they may have suffered for their actions. Wait, what?

"Look, would you cut the crap? I'm kind of losing it right now, could you just tell me who the hell you are and what you want?"

"Okay, okay, geeze. Listen, my name's Wan, and I'm here to tell you that—"

"Wan, get the hell outta here!"

"Huh?" Aang watched as a gray, bearded figure shoved the much more youthful looking one out of the spotlight. "Roku?"

"Excuse me, Aang. It seems Wan can't wait 70 years to shove himself into the spotlight."

"Oh c'mon Roku! I'm the perfect person to talk to him about this!"

"No! I'm the designated useless codger who spouts vague words of wisdom that only serves to confuse him more in this show! You can wait until Legend of Korra!"

"Pleeaaase! Just give me _Wan_ chance!"

"_Get. Out._" Roku blasted a wall of fire at the other Avatar, effectively getting rid of him. He straightened out his robes, turning to his newest incarnation. "Hello Aang, it's been a while."

"… … …." Aang simply stared in speechlessness, trying to make sense of what the hell was suddenly happening. Seeing his silence, Roku continued.

"Anyway, it seems that you are experiencing the Avatar Identity Crisis."

"Avatar Identity Crisis?" Aang repeated.

"Yes. It happens with every Avatar at some point or another. They begin to question who they are, what their purpose is in life, what their sexuality is. The usual."

"You mean you went through this too?"

"_Every_ Avatar goes through it, Aang. What, did you think I didn't experiment all those times me and Sozin were alone training together?"

There was a pause, followed by an "OH MY GD T-M-I T-M-I!" from the twelve year old. Roku chuckled in satisfaction at having scarred his latest physical manifestation, before speaking once more.

"Yes, those were some good times. But listen Aang, I have a secret to share with you. It's not about number one, or number one point five, or even number two. It's about number _three_."

"Number three?" Aang stared up his past life.

"_Number three_," Roku repeated in a mysterious, somewhat ominous tone, before he disappeared in a flash of blue light and glitter.

"Number three…" Aang muttered, before snapping. "Well, that doesn't tell me anything! Roku! Get back here and explain yourself! What the hell is a number three?"

"Vague words of wisdom and confusion, Aang. Vague words of wisdom and confusion. It's in the job description."

"Roku…! YOU'RE AN A-HOLE!"

Sadistic cackling was his only response.

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><p>AN: Yeah...I don't even know anymore...


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